General joke thread.

[Mick the Mike]

I shall probably get D on my back for posting this, but here goes:

Bruce, an Australian, who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in Donoghue pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces, his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers "17 pounds."

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .............. "Had him circumcised mate"

[Deleted]

So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, "your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".

[Saint]

Very good you two. ;D

Would you like me to change the topic title to make this the joke thread?

[Mick the Mike]

Life in the Australian Army...





Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small
town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)





Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once, like we do at home after the muster.


Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6' 5" and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and, as ya know, I'm only 5' 7" and eight stone wringin' wet but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,





Susan

[Mick the Mike]

The late Thierry Henry:

[Mick the Mike]

Drew Robert's penalty:

[Daedalus]

Love that penalty!

[Mick the Mike]

BUSINESS VENTURE:

A close friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing very well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[Mick the Mike]

So this guy hires a hit-man to kill his wife of 40 years.

The hit-man says "It will take just 1 shot. Just below her left t**".

The husband responds: "I want her dead, not f@**ing kneecapped"

[Mick the Mike]

A man went into a pub and asked the barmaid for a double entendre.

So she gave him one.

[Boomer]

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long and healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked the wife. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said, "and your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So, the Genie and the woman went upstairs, where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly. "No kidding," he said. "35 years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[Mick the Mike]

So this baby has just read a presentation entitled:

"How to Run a Football Club" by John Gibson

[kermit]

.......... or he's just read the letters page of the Herts Ad.
That got ripped up too!

[Mick the Mike]

Firstly, this is not a joke, it is a true story.

Secondly, it involves the use of a word I am not prepared to post, but the word does refer to a part of the female anatomy. If you are not up to speed now, I am not going to add any more.

A friend of mine who is a DJ with a major radio station, came round to my house along with others last Thursday for supper. My mate, who I will not identify, was previously with Virgin and prior to that, Capital Radio.

Naturally the conversation ultimately turned to music and as the booze flowed, my buddy told of the time when he and Kenny Everett shared an office at Euston Towers, home of Capital.

Apparently my mate was with a couple of VIP's in the office when Kenny stuck his head round the door and without enquiring who was who said "Hello darlings, what is the smelliest thing on this planet?"

Without waiting for an answer, Kenny answered his own question by saying "an anchovy's - - - - " He then departed with the "bye eee" that was one of his trademarks.

[Boomer]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.

[Daedalus]

Very good Boomer!

[brummie]

In the light of the Andrew Marr story.

I don't want anyone to know that I am an ABBA fan. So I am taking out a Super Trooper injunction.

[Mick the Mike]

Wayne Rooney visited Fabrice Muamba in
hospital this week.

"It's amazing, I swear he is starting
to string a few basic sentences
together," said Fabrice.

[Hatboy]

I heard Vinnie Jones turned up with a Bee Gees CD !!!

[stanj]

A man boarded an aircraft at London`s Heathrow Airport for New york, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and Bingo- she took the seat right next to him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned round, smiled enchantingly and said "Business, I`m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States,"

He swallowed hard. Her was the most georgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What`s your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer." She responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he smiled, "What myths are those."

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it`s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French Men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers are the Scots."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I`m sorry." she said."I really shouldn`t be discussing this with you. I don`t even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friend call me Jock."

[Mick the Mike]

Horse Racing In Finland

www.iltalehti.fi/iltvurheilu/2012031603165506_v9.shtml

[Mick the Mike]

Squirrel -v- Snake

www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/2066391/ba18fa51/wat_nou_nootjes_.html